a picture of nothing is a piece of everything

sometimes in the late afternoon with kortney (my niece) and mally, while walking, i took out my camera and snapped a picture of nothing,

mally noticed this and asked, what did you take a picture of?



i liked what the banner said, i explained. it says that every step tells a story and this is very true. usually i would whip out the sidekick and type a reminder or at least, dig into the purse and find a sarasa to jot it down. in this walk, the only thing i brought was my camera and some cash folded in the back pocket of my jeans. so, sweet mally, the camera was whipped out to remind me of what is felt deeply in the steps of our walk. i dont want to forget.

"every step tells a story"

(statue of paul revere and the horse in their midnight run)

being in boston makes the statement literal but for me it also meant something else. i remember years ago, i read a book which had a character do some innervision of himself. he sat for hours out in the night trying to find an answer to the question that was presented to him. finally, it hit him and he went into the gas station to his boss.

"i know what it is! there are no ordinary moments."

this happened while i was curled up in my driver's seat and rooted for him to reach that moment of realisation. even though i knew it was something he needed to reach into, i was still blown away at the simplicity of the truth behind these words.

you see. there are no ordinary moments and no ordinary lives.

how can there be? every single second, and in between, life happens. it never stops. the world, as i know it, does begin and ends with me but i don't even forget for one second that it also begins and ends with you.

with each and every one of you.

ah...

the hour here is late, but if i was in the west coast, the night has only begun. somewhere else, the sun is greeting the lands and someone is waking up with a knowing smile or an aching heart. when i take in the magnitude of everyone and every single living thing being the way they are in every single moment of "now" my breathing becomes shallow and my heart quickens. its, for the lack of better word, breathtaking to realise this...

onto something lighter, maybe.


this is a statue of st. francis of assisi, he is known for his connection with nature. he also always reminds me that if i had been born with a thing between my legs, i would have been a joseph and clare, a francis. whoo, one simple difference makes a whole another story. :)

before i end this, there is a poem i have been carrying within and it fits my mood.

"to the dust of the road"

And in the morning you are up again
with the way leading through you for a while
longer if the wind is motionless when
the cars reach where the asphalt ends a mile
or so below the main road and the wave
you rise into is different every time
and you are one with it until you have
made your way up to the top of your climb
and brightened in that moment of that day
and then you turn as when you rose before
in fire or wind from the ends of the earth
to pause here and you seem to drift away
on into nothing to lie down once more
until another breath brings you to birth.

- w.s. merwin

love and light to all

10 summers=beautiful you

my dear precious mally,

it has been 10 years since you came into my world. i remember laying in the bed and holding you for the first time wondering what the heck was i supposed to do next????? i remember loving the way i could finally say your name and know who it belonged to. now, here you are, sitting next to me and reading one of the books we got from the library today and you are ten years old. ten??! oi.

let me tell you something funny. even though you are not a small baby in my arms anymore and all these years have gained alot of parenting skills for this old mama of yours, there are moments where i find myself looking at you at a complete loss of what the heck am i supposed to do?! it is always a new thing...ah.

life works that way, girl.

who knows what the next ten years will bring? that question is, in a way, irrelevant because there is only now so it boils back down to this. you sitting next to me, living your life as you know it and i love you. i love the world so much more through loving you. that, my dear one, is what makes you beautiful.

your momcat

mix two shades of dark and we get the night

hey all,


still here at the farm :)

a few nights ago, while we stood out in the night, familiar constellations mapped out the sky, jahren was in my arms and we looked upwards. there are no light pollutions here (i'd like to think so) and it means more stars. it even means milky way...imagine that.

anyway, jahren had a big bulky yellow flashlight and he decided to turn it on. he thought maybe the stars could be seen better that way but as the dusty beam of light shone into the sky, it darkened the night even more. he explored the sky for a bit, shining it to the stars here and there. once the light hit a patch of stars, they'd disappear until the beam moves away. when jahren realised the effects of the flashlight, he clicked it off and ah, there they all were. in their own places, all across the sky with a hint of milky way. i felt him relax through his happy sigh and he settled deeper into my arms. we were all quiet for a while, studying the sky before we walked over to the edge of the pastures.

(same spot but this was taken in october)

once again, ontop of the fence with my sisters, niece and wyns, it occurred to me at how these flashlight beams can suddenly narrow down the world. it pinpoints the information to imagined deer eyes (which turns out to be only a queen anne lace bloom.) in its forced focal points, it shuts out our surroundings. even my own hands and it chases away the thoughts that would naturally be in this kind of darkness. with the lights off, not only could we see the horizon, we could see the grass blades in striped glows, we could see the shapes of each other on the fence posts and it wasn't so spooky anymore. (for wyns)

i liked knowing, while sitting on the fence and holding my children, that in some cases, all you got to do is mix two shades of dark and we get the night.

now, dont get me wrong. i am not entirely against using flashlights. for instance, tonight, jahren realised he lost his mood ring.

my ring!!! its gone!!

uh oh, i thought. it must be somewhere outside.

mom, we must look for it!

yes, we will look for it in the morning. okay?

his eyes got teary and he looked at me with mom-you-can-do-anything-right? look.

oh dear. how the heck can i not try?

we took our own flashlights and combed outside for his ring. after some hopeless search, i could hear jahren starting to cry which compelled me to try for a few more minutes.

true bis, right between my feet, i found this *ding!* of the reactive sparkle a metal would do to a beam of dusty light. jahren was a ways from me and i waved the light at him, swept the beam over to my feet and waited for his realisation. perking up, he asked, you found it?!!!

yup. come and get it.

i got this delicious grateful hug from jahren and i guess we could say the flashlight was what garnered it.

ah, enough of this gab. going to post and sleep with the spiders.


love to all

rain comes and closeness happens

hey bro.

it's been raining in these past few days at kim's farm. i havent ridden the horse in the rain but hey, i did dance :) for some reason, being here brings you closer and i can feel you. i can feel our conversations, your sadness, and your peace of mind when you were here. i wonder where did you go while you were here. did you find a spot to walk over and just be...i'm sure you did. you had mally and jahren, full time, like me and whoo. just gotta disappear even if its only for a minute or two.

anyway, wanted everyone to see this picture.

(jc on kate, last year)

when our first rain came (a few days ago, not the other night i wrote about) we all went outside and here's jahren as he realised rain was falling down,



we are happy here and i like knowing you must have been too.

born in the element of air

it's a game tonight.

write the post and finish it before you feel like its a waste of gab. PUBLISH it and dont collaspe it in the wee hours.


(colorado)

earlier today, i went out to sit alone for a while. there was no need to escape, no mounting pressure with constant others, just this tug which makes my feet move. ever done that before? where you dont know why but you let the walking take you then you find yourself at a spot and it brings you into the complete connection of oneness.

someone wrote to me that the moment would come, that id either laugh or cry. today, it did. the thoughts were still in spite of swarms which dissolved into being fully aware of the wind. into this,

(you may not see the wind, but it's there. strong ones :))

they go to all places with knowing every thought, wishes, longings, happiness and things we dont know. there may be storms but they only last as long as a storm would. as for the fog, it shrouds the secrets which are never uttered, only known by every anyones. they lightly carry these burdens in comparison to us. they, this, me, you, i, us, that, it, breeze, yum, mmm... ..

*silence*

eventually, awareness of reality taps at you and off goes the sensation of oneness. i do remember the lingering thoughts that trailed away. it was a little, ohh.. no. wait, stay. but it felt right to stop and turn back. when i did, the timing was fun to meet.


(a race of their own)

there was mally and jahren, running towards me from the barn. screaming because aengus was chasing them. they landed on the fence and climbed atop before aengus reached us. (he was really nice about it. he dawdled a bit to give them a headstart. so cute)

we sat together, each on our post and talked for a while. in comes kim with the mule,
just as we were about to embark on our own adventure, fred mackerodt (owner of stone farm) invited us for a spin in the woods on the other side of the road. oooooooOOOOOOooooooo.

i have been waiting for this moment ever since i booked the tickets. seriously.

here, (pictures were taken while we were on the move from inside the mule)


pardon the vanity but i must add this one,

kim took this picture and it is one of my most favorites. if you look carefully, you can see jahren is in my lap and of course, mally. this trip has been a full mode mothering time and i am LOVING every moment with them. another thing that means so much to me is my hearing aid. besides the closeness i am experiencing with my family i am also experiencing a full blown theme of "deafness." that, my dear beautiful ones, is ANOTHER story.
anyway,
it was time to go back to the farm,


we also swam at uncle j's place and meant to go out for a walk in the night but rain stopped the walk and changed it into a dance.

lighting flashed and as always, i screamed out a

WWHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

loving it here to the max (and yes, all will always be well)
off she goes....

part one of summer

howdy doody everyone,

it's interesting. day 2 of relaxation and i feel like posting again.

goes to show what relaxing does to a person. besides, its too hot to move or anything and as you all already know, this spot (with the computer and desk) is perfect as the day cools off. my headphones are in, breeze is sweetening the deal and ahhh, im quite content with just being.

well, on our drive in the northern olympic peninsula (in washington, close to the olympic national park), we got a kick out of this street's name,



"hi mom and dad, we finally got our new address and it is 534 kitchen-dick road, which crosses with hancock"

"what? 534 kitchen-dick? for real?"

yup. for real. i have seen names which does seem funny but for some reason, this one is my favorite of them all. kitchen and dick. what does these two share with eachother? did lorena bobbitt name this street or maybe someone was quite partial to phallauses since dick and cock meets in an intersection. i can see them being edible (still attatched mind you) but, kitchen-dick?!


however, it was a beautiful drive and a beautiful weekend. :)

(lake crescent, in the olympics)

aj, camille,

bruce, alex, sawyer, ray,

and my dear steve,

thank you for restoring the light within and thank you for all the laughing we had. :) with you guys, its so natural to feel calm and i love finding home with each of you.

aj, btw, how is billy the fly? i cant stop laughing about how billy was. of course, if we were to meet an unique fly, it'd be with you. it sure was one smart little bugger.

i would have stayed in seattle for another week, hell, a whole month but with my youngest sister's upcoming wedding and clare's birth i boarded amtrak once again and rode the inbetween with my head resting on the window. so my eyes could drink in the northwestern terrain before they disappear into a memory. during the sunset, deep in the mountains of oregon, we passed an utility box where someone spray painted a question

"who travels here?"

it tugged my mouth into a smile and occupied my thoughts well into bedtime. who travels here? everyone does but maybe the real question was who saw the question and who gets to realise that they, too, travel here.

once my feet touched the ground of bay area, everything was a whirlwind.

no time to unwind, no time to unpack. it was all straight into the heat wave,


into lis' (my youngest sister) bachelorette party in SF,

(pix taken by clare)

where i had my first experience in observing karaoke,

vivian, lis, and cara

into jc's birthday without having jc around,

into the craziness of shopping for mally's flower dress with the fam,

(photo taken by robert, lis' new hubby)
into a limo bus winery tour with the out of town wedding guests/family and a dear friend,

(photo taken by our winery tour guide)

into, into, into
into rehearsal, dinners, family time, wedding day, sudden curve ball of flu with the children, aidan's birth, 4th of july, out of town guests and unto now.

if i could put pictures for every one of these dodos, it would take forever to upload the entire webpage.

tomorrow is our last full day here in the bay area and i will be squeezing in a photoshoot with one family then a dip in the pool with my girlfriends...hopefully a full night's sleep before we hop onto amtrak for new york and boston.

what would that bring? part two, im sure.

suddenly, im famished. i think i will go for a walk and buy something to eat.

sitting still, finally, sweet stillness is here

wow.

*looking around*

can it be?

i'm all alone? no one around? true bis solitude? realising this has my throat all knotted up and suddenly my shoulders doesn't feel so much weight anymore. i think i might just cry.

i've been overwhelmed with everything these past few weeks and mostly with the ongoing stream of people and no moment's break during these days. it was too much where i found myself, at night, tossing and turning or staring out into the dark relieved that no one else is awake and at the same time frustrated from knowing sleep deprivation is a bitch. it comes to the point where you can only just shake your head and let go as you keep on rolling until stillness finds you.

so, my dear ones, this is what i am (well was but still am) doing at the moment as i type out my thoughts,

sweet stillness is here.

yup...feeling the wind on my skin is a blessing.

wish i could say more. lately, im just too tired and at the moment out of words. savoring the breeze has taken all the words and they are now dissolving into nothingness or settling into others.